teenagemary55

 i have things on my mind i need to tell to my friends... lauren and anna and jessica..

and none of them are here.
i have so many things i need feedback on.

life is so crazy, and so fucking serious. i so tired of that.

it is where it is .

no fun and just bills and tests and saying NO to everyone... for everything.

i can't even keep a journal
ugh

my friends
didn't even invite me to snoop dog.

everyone around me is just sucking me dry
i don't even feel alive anymore.

 i don't have the energy to keep friends.
i don't even have the energy to keep my eyes open.

you pamper me

i feel like royalty when i'm around you boys

my gentlemen
: )

and and

I l-l-love ma fucked up kid. 

and and
anna is back in my life for always
and i forget this
and i'm sorry 

life is pretty 
i just need a cd player in the new vehicle
or my only ME TIME will be ruined  by t-pain.. fuck me running.

 fuck that bullshit
imma be at a bigger and better place
somewhere were the old people walk slow
and i can yawn freely

i'll walk in
get my money
and tell them i hope the place goes up in flames

then i'll head out
and have fun
with the loves of my life

current gripe:

a lil' bit o everyting'

schedual nigga

homeroom - fucking Manfre
1-block
2-eng IV (H) - nerhbass
3-biology II (H) - doucet
4-block
5-block
6-fine arts survey - lorman (my bizzitch)
7-alg III - bourque

let me know if you be havin classes with meeeesss. thanks.

i no longer want to figure it out
i dont want to analyze myself or anything else right now
my brain is tired
my body is tired
my emotions are drained
im just sick of hearing myself talk
im sick of hearing what i have to say
im sick

so i quit

goodbye guys
goodbye livejournal

for a while

you only live once

; - )

i was talking it over

and maaan - im going to do whatever i please
whenever i choose to do so 

so forming any type of bond with me this summer might not be in your best interest

unless you are the few who i cant help but love

just another word of warning. 

i not such a good person nowa days

sorry.

last thought:	home
current gripe:	crazy

his version at least

that i was evil and always chased guys and as soon as they commited 
i drop them
run away

it's true

he's right

its not hard to be honest

i think im a very honest person

and i do that for only one reason

so that people will in-turn

be honest with me

it really isnt a hard thing to do 
who cares if their feelings are at stake

becaue honestly

everyone/I will find out eventually

and it will cause hard feelings

but thats besides the point

im just saying

honesty is the only thing i have going on that i like 
honesty is the only thing i have going on 
honesty is the only thing i have

i wish i understood why you people cant just tell me the truth

if i ask you a question
its because i want to know the answer

i will never ask you to lie to me

anyway 

im sorry 

getting carried away

tonight was ridiculous
tears and cops and lots of free alcohol

im just not sure if i can handle anymore of these sparatic reunions

with people who i dont want to see 

but at the end of the night latelty

i find i only want one thing

his torso
and a more simple life

and its not that i cant have a simple life if i want to 

i can 
sure easy

right now actually
i have the most perfect opportunity
to get into a simple relationship
get my car back 
chill out
work 

very easy 
very easy

but i will probably choose to fuck it all up

because well 

its what i do 

ps: go fuck yourself

last thought:	anthony's
current gripe:	cold

everyone is sick and tired

everyone is fed up and stressed out

high and super low ya know?

im o.k

though

but my eye is on the prize

BTW

the song goes

Everythings a hustle

but love

current gripe:	pleased
world:	g-love

last blog 

when i said 


"as much as i have the most wonderfully high hopes for people 
they always seem to fuck it up"



well 

i want to fix that


As much as I have the highest hopes for myself
i always seem to fuck it up

its fine
im fine

she is so magnificent
she knows so


i cant stop thinking about --
i feel very confused and out of control
i have no control 
in the matter

but it doesnt matter
nothing matters right now

i have a huge urge just to quit my job

spend the rest of my summer with chelsea
and feeling sorry for my lack of penis
my lack of emotion
and my lack of love

Fuck i love summer <3<3<3

hahaha

dont i have a story for you guys

but it doesnt matter
because i cant say anything
because its a stupid story
and no one would care

its funny isnt it?

like i said 
i cant tell you 
but it doesnt matter because you will figure it out in these next few sets of cute short paragraphs
without me having to say it
saying it ( it being the thing that doesnt matter)
and im not sure why im wasting my time sayying it - it matters to me

ya know

as much as i have the most wonderfully high hopes for people 
they always seem to fuck it up

but its ok 
because i always knew it would be this way



well 
actually
instead of rethining about it all
i think ill start off by saying

that chelsea is much The BeastieEST

and the fact that she is bringing me back to my haunted past that is last summer
makes me want to kiss her all over her face

because she may or may not know how it feels to prove yourself to people who view you as dirt (and thats not a quote)
it only matters to me (not you - not them)
because its not phasing them - or you 
im the only one realizing it
but its ok 
because at least i know im not dirt 
ya dig?

ya know? 
its beautiful.



but dont get me the wrong way

i love them
i see the Good in their Bad- better than alot of people i know

its not like that is really saying much
but like i said 
it doesnt matter






um and one other thing

theres this thing that has been bugging me

i wish i could fucking FIX HIM!
(this may or may not be the same person) - because first of all it all depends on how you took this - and how much you know about me and my drama at this present time)
and i prefer to be subtley blunt

im confusing everyone with all this drama drama human drama boy drama flirty drama

forgive me

if you read all of this

im sorry


most of you probably dont have any idea what this is about
and dont care
just as much as THEY dont care
but its ok
because i always knew it would be this way

last thought:	home
current gripe:	awake
world:	parting of the sensory

she always helps me make sense of things 

i was thinking when i read that book  

and i sat in my bed for 2 hours before work
without doing anything but breathing and blinking

i was breaking down my mind
i was forgetting all my emotions and senses and by the time i had to go to work

i felt gone - i was basically gone

i feel like i know what it is like not to feel

that was the worst day of my life

im going insane
my head is running about 987158723475 miles an hour
and it wont slow down for anything

no matter what i am doing
its running
if im dancing or having fun or fucking or sleeping or watching t.v.
its running

lauren told me i needed fun

i think i need a fucking drink

i know i need a fucking drink 

im waiting for that huge BANG thats going to punch me in the eye 

the kind that will answer all the questions
the kind that will put every other part of my life into the ultimate perspective
i will get everything
my head will slow down to a normal speed
my body will stop shaking 
ill stop chasing
ill stop craving

and i need a fucking drink

current gripe:

crappy

that i am o.k. with 
this  - everything!

this everything 

ya know?

some odd situation helped me realize how o.k. i am - and its good - its a nice feeling
to be at peace with my
---- status -----
and being ok with - myself                  ya dig?

anna banana anna banana anna banana and me! we jam to buju! and i love her - we da real gangstas

we are both o.k. 

despite the huge change we are both adapting too

and as much as i like her being right there with me
i wish she was happy
and i wish andrew wasnt a big fuckhead

we want to thank:
marble slab
buju banton
stupid girls
silly boys
starbucks
and kimya dawson
<3

and the fucking bloody sun

last thought:	home
current gripe:	content

it's very hard for me to focus on things i want to 
because im constantly trying to better and improve My life 
My life being only that fact that i want someone to hold my hand 
and that my head comes up with 3279874598375 different ways the next 5 minutes can go - that i lose the next 5 minutes etc... 
and the last thing that i waste my entire life thinking about  - the fact that i just scant get much of anything right. (how much i wish i could go back and re-arrange it)

i heart huckabees

then finallly - surely dissapointing (seeing how i just started reading it and bought it months and months ago *which i apologize for* i ended up getting stolen by another salinger) 
i started to read doors of perception

i feel i know what i need to do 

but wheather or not To 

baffles me

i dont have work until tomorrow night
and right now i feel extremely isolated
i need to get out of the house

people keep doing stupid things
and the way my mind works

its going {what the fuck - are you an idiot - whats not to love - we're so compatible - dont you see!}
and the way they things 
its like { hu what ? - oh yhea - you wanna hit this?}

i dont have much to say 
because as much as i think about this day n day out
i have no conclusion
i have nothing to say 
no witty remarks or cute attitude towards it

im at a lost

why do i hunger for them so bad
if i know
AND I KNOW
that they arent even worth a second of my time

claire - i dont know where you are at with everything
its none of my business really - but if ya ever wanna talk bout it n shit
we could sure make some cute gossipy girls
ya dig?

on the same note : but not to you guys
just to me 
for the public to see

trailer trash still makes me hate that summer

last thought:	paradise (hell)
current gripe:	crushed

killing me

and i woke up at 6 this morning

couldnt breath

so i had to drive home

still not breathing (ahem)

and bang on daddy's door 
they called they doctor
 and he phoned in a prescription for some meeeddddsss

what-ev

i spent the day with anna

and us both being single now
is
dear god

but i love her - and we keep saying the same things
at the same time
and i love her more

ok so i definitely realized

i do  it to every guy

not just some of them

anyone

i freak out

i get too confortable too fast
and expect the same

i give alot of me

i give alot of anything
alot of time

EFFFORT!

the other side usually isnt as generous with their time 

and therefore

big fat messes occur

im a Big Fat Mess

but i dont care

blah! fuck me!

i want to have children with damian marley 

hmm mmm mmm mmm 

and go on vacation

with someone

take me!

current gripe:

sick